


Confessions

by SpaceUnicornDot



Category: Star Stable
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 19:11:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceUnicornDot/pseuds/SpaceUnicornDot
Summary: Jay has been struggling with more than just nightmares since their visits to Pandoria; he's been keeping a secret, and the weight of it has finally become too much to bear alone. She deserved better than that - she always had, and always would.





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [willownorthbook](https://archiveofourown.org/users/willownorthbook/gifts).



> Godadamn, this sat in my Google Docs for months after I started it and then forgot I had done so, but now it's finally finished! And it's probably the longest thing I've written in a while! >.> Set in 2017, maybe a month or two after the second trip into Pandoria with Evergray, so some story quest spoilers (kinda) apply for that. Nothing's exactly about them, but, y'know, if you haven't done them, might wanna give it a skip until you have.

It wasn’t that the nightmares were new. No, he’d been having them in one capacity or another ever since that dreaded day that had changed everything.

The problem was that, now, they were worse. Worse than he could ever remember them being. Before, they just left him with the terror of witnessing such destruction all over again. Sometimes, instead of Pandoria, he would see fractions of Jorvik. But he hadn’t brought them up - first out of terror, rooted in fear of discovery, then because of a self-given line that it wasn’t important. If he focused his energy on helping, on learning, they could prevent that dream from becoming a reality, and that was far more important than any figment of anxiety or dreams.

The problem with it all now was that he wasn’t the only one he was worrying about.

He’d always known that, one day, he would inevitably have to return to the pink and purple expanses of Pandoria, but, somehow, he’d still managed to be unprepared for it. Being chased from his home yet again by that _monster_ hadn’t helped. But, if he’d have to decide who would re-enter Pandoria all over again between him and Willow, he wouldn’t change his decision. He knew better all the dangers it held, even if he… still hadn’t brought that up.

It was a blessing and a curse: blending into the woodwork so well early on in his time in Jorvik must’ve had some influence on how silently he came flying back to reality. Willow was still asleep beside him when he’d caught his breath and adjusted his eyes to the darkness of the room enough to check.

And, as usual, a breath of relief melted away a layer of his lingering stress, but not the building exhaustion from successive nights battling with the illusion he couldn’t control.

At least she seemed to be actually getting some sleep. That had been most important. When that portal had closed, keeping him from her for…

Well.., he hadn’t dared to ask.

The last thing he’d wanted was to let go. Though her features had washed over with relief at his miraculous appearance in the Greendale woods, he’d seen more than enough of that exhaustion, the worry, the hopelessness…

By the goddess, _he loved her_. Saving Jorvik just to spare others the heartache of watching their home and everything they knew destroyed as he had was far no longer the only reason he had to be involved in this battle.

The lingering imagery of her stilled, lifeless form made him flinch, closing his eyes tightly and looking away.

He had to get up. It was an everlasting battle between wanting to be near her, to be certain the harm he’d seen in his nightmares would not befall her, and the seemingly impossible task of trying to catch his breath, all while trying not to wake her.

She’d had enough of her own troubles without worrying even more about him. Perhaps it was a perk of having his own - he’d often already been awake when she was having hers that he could be there promptly to try to free her from their clutches, make sure he was there, reassure her, hold her until the shaking stopped.

He slipped quietly from the room and made his way downstairs. Tea was good for the soul, and it wasn’t just because Astor seemed to preach about it that he thought it might do some good.

Finally, in the kitchen, he was faced with a clock he actually had to read.

_Early_. _Too_ early. Early enough that it was still dark and gray outside, rather than the usual pinks and oranges he never minded waking up to.

He abandoned the idea of tea in favor of the couch, collecting the large, heavy, fuzzy blanket from its back as he curled up against one end. It was still early in the year, but he couldn’t quite manage to blame only that for the chill that had settled over him.

A confused, quiet sneeze sounded from the darkness near the back of the living room, and, shortly after, a light gray Mistfox emerged into the faint glow of the night light plugged in one of the walls. She squinted up at Jay for a moment before giving a tiny _bbrrRrr_ and leaping up onto the couch. Jay smiled weakly and offered out a hand from clutching to the edges of the fabric, which Rune eagerly pressed against before slinking up against his side, laying down, and peering up at him.

He didn’t stop to acknowledge how much his hand still shook as he buried his fingers in her thick fur, rubbing along her face and behind her ears.

While it seemed, for the moment, that he’d succeeded in not waking his girlfriend, Star’s presence gently filtered in, and, as usual, Jay didn’t have the heart to try to push him away. The stallion remained silent in his head, though he could picture clearly the kind of nuzzle he’d be getting if he went out to the stable. Jay already knew the kind of counsel he would offer, and he had a good feeling that was why his Soul Steed remained silent. There was no need to repeat such a conversation when it would shed no new light.

The additional problem, his additional restraint was… he hadn’t _told her_. And that was as much a part of it as their failed attempt to rescue Anne, being lost in Pandoria himself, and knowing the effects of Katja’s race on her. Everything, really, rooted there.

_I don’t want to lose her_. He closed his eyes tightly, resting against the hand propped by the arm of the couch, but it wasn’t enough to stop the tears that had been threatening him since he’d woken up. Aideen could come from the sky herself and smite him if ever he did anything to hurt her. It was why he had been so quick to stop using his illusions for now - they were too much of a reminder of Katja’s dark magic. He’d promised her, promised her father, promised himself he’d never hurt her, always with the hidden fear of what revealing himself could do. But how could he really hide it now? For how much longer?

He couldn’t; the nightmares were becoming too much for him to carry alone, not when so many of them hammered his fear of losing her.

And to explain them, he needed to explain it all. By the goddess, she deserved the world, and that included his honesty. A physical pain tightened his chest at the thought of his voiding that information from them all being the same as a lie. To say he just hadn’t figured out how to say it, that he had been too afraid of what the Druids might do if they ever knew, almost sounded far too hollow.

But he loved her, would never hurt her, never… He was a horrible liar, if he ever even tried, especially to her. She had to know that.., right?

He shook with the thought, if he’d ever stopped in the first place. No, what if she didn’t? People weren’t always as earnest as he, and he knew it, despite his apparent boundless naivety about the beauty of the world.

It had, understandably, taken time, but Willow had been honest with him. She’d told him what she’d already been through, and Oskar, as trusting as he was, had reminded him of the value of what he had. He just didn’t want to let them down. _Any_ of them. Willow, primarily, of course, but he had made so many incredible friends since his arrival…

Forget punishment from the Druids, no matter how much it still terrified him what might happen if they ever found out… What if his _friends_ just thought he was using them?

“Jay?”

He jumped.

She couldn’t make out much from where she leaned against the railing, halfway down the stairs, her voice still quiet and somewhat slurred from sleep, but she’d woken up to an empty bed. Well, empty besides a mildly disturbed Gracie.

He looked up at her almost pathetically, meekly. No sense in trying to hide the few streaks of tears that had already managed to escape now.

“What are you doing down here?” Willow slowly picked her way down the rest of the stairs, rubbing at her eyes. Jay was normally an early-riser, but this was too early, even for him. Even if it wasn’t, she would’ve expected to find him in the kitchen, not..?

“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he offered quietly. Willow blinked, concern rising the more she started to put together. Why was he down here, on the couch? Why did he look so..?

“Jay, what happened?” She quickened her pace to reach the couch faster.

He looked down and brought a hand up to brush away the tears, but they were easily replaced. She reached gently for his arm as she sat down beside him, and he finally looked at her a bit more directly. Now, she was just _worried_. “Jay, it’s okay,” she murmured, rubbing his arm gently and scooting a little closer to pull him to her. Rune leaped from her place on the couch to give the pair the room.

He was crying. Why was he crying? What had happened?

“Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Jay leaned into her shoulder, closing his eyes tightly as her fingers buried in his hair. Was she okay to handle this now? She had been getting better, slowly but surely, but was it enough? What if hearing about his only set her back?

“Jay?”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly. “I… I didn’t want to tell you with… with everything, I…”

“ _Jay._ ”

He stopped and finally looked back at her. In her, he saw everything he had ever loved about the world, every little reason he had ever cared enough to even try to fight back against Garnok and the darkness that had stolen his first home.

Every little reason that everything had struck just a little too close and a little too real.

“I can’t lose you either, Willow,” he said finally. “I… I just… Especially after getting trapped, they’re just… Everything’s too _real_.”

She stared back at him for a few moments in silence. It wasn’t exactly the cleanest of starts, but at least he had a grip on what he needed to say now.

He brushed one cheek clean, eye contact breaking for a few moments as his teeth worked over his lip. “I didn’t want you to worry about my nightmares already having so many of your own.., but… But I see it, too… You, and Star, our friends, Jorvik, and… and everything’s just so _vivid_ , and I just… I can’t lose you… And I can’t…”

She held him tighter as a quiet sob finally broke free.

“I’ve already lost enough people that I loved…”

Willow’s heart all but broke at the words. Too often, she had a hard enough time believing she had gotten so lucky to have him in her life at all, much less to see the level of reverence and adoration in his eyes when he thought she wasn’t looking.

Jay had a heart of pure gold, saw the world in such a beautiful way… He didn’t deserve any of this. They shouldn’t have to worry about the world ending by some insane magical catastrophe every day of their lives, and yet, there they were.

“You didn’t lose me,” she murmured quietly. “We got back. You came back, Jay, and you brought me back. We can always count on one another, okay?”

She didn’t exactly expect him to shake his head, and her brow furrowed as he pulled away. “You… You can’t say that…” The words unsteadily stumbled from his trembling lips. “You can’t.”

“Jay..?”

She certainly hadn’t expected him to look almost _afraid_ \- not like he did, arms wrapped around himself and barely daring to look at her straight. His eyes closed tightly when she pressed, but he pulled further still, however slight, when she tried to reach for him again.

His head shook again faintly. “Willow, _I love you_ … I… I’d never want to hurt you, but I… That’s… That’s _not_ why everything’s been getting to me so much… I…”

He had to stop to take in a deep breath, one hand fisted in the fabric of his sleeve reaching to hide half of his face as he struggled. The more he’d said, the more confused and worried Willow became. He wasn’t making any sense… Where was he going? What did he mean?

“I’ve already seen what Garnok can do..,” he finally managed hoarsely after a few more moments and ragged breaths. “In… In _Pandoria_ … I… I came back because I’m _from_ there, Willow.”

There. That did it. He stared hard at his legs folded awkwardly beneath him on the couch, far too afraid of what he might see if he looked up again.

“I’m _Pandorian_. That’s… That’s why I was alright when the portal collapsed… Garnok… He… I lost everything… My family, the only home I’d ever known… I was _so scared_ …” Terrified, young, and alone. Three things any young child should never have to be. Never like that…

He swallowed hard in an attempt to clear his throat enough to shakily continue. “When I came to Jorvik, I… I didn’t tell anyone… I was scared the Druids would… I…”

He trailed off uncomfortably. If he’d ever stopped shaking in the first place, he’d definitely started again. Willow had gone silent beside him and he was too terrified of what that might mean to ask. A shaky hand tugged one of his sleeves up his arm before the soft pink-purple light familiar from him casting his illusions appeared at his hand, dissipating the glamours that normally kept the runic markings across his skin hidden on his exposed arm.

“I’m sorry.” It was barely a whisper. “I’m sorry… I… I never wanted to hurt you.., I… I came here hoping I could help, I just… I didn’t want anyone else to have to experience that, but I...” His eyes closed tightly again. Even struggling to keep his Pandorian heritage a secret, he’d never had trouble looking at his runes, except for now.

“I understand if you don’t trust me… After everything, I just… I should have told you sooner…”

Suddenly, Willow’s arms wrapped around him again, pulling him back to her, and Jay couldn’t help a small noise of surprise, needing a few moments to register her tight hold trying to keep him close. It was a little difficult to tell from his own tears, but she was crying, however silently. Hesitantly, Jay relinquished, leaning into the contact, head against her shoulder.

Her continuing silence still worried him until she finally spoke, “Jay, I _love_ you…”

He choked out a breath he hadn’t quite realized he’d been holding. Willow sniffed and pulled back, though she beckoned for him not to go anywhere, tugging her sleeve down to brush the tears from his cheeks before doing the same to some of her own.

She framed his face carefully. Still, through the exhaustion and the fear that had worn him evidently far longer than he’d ever let on, was that familiar earnestness that would almost be painfully naive if it wasn’t so genuine.

And… he was a Pandorian. From an entirely different world.

Suddenly, his distaste for cars and confusion with so much around the island made so much more sense.

But Jay was… _good_. So wholly _good_.

“You are a _good person_ , Pandorian or not,” she said, offering him a smile she hoped would ease the tension still rolling off of him.

Her effort was rewarded with a faint, if still somewhat nervous laugh as he shook his head slightly. “You… You’re not..?”

Willow shook her head. “It’s… a lot, but… I know you. And you’re not allowed to go get stuck in Pandoria again anytime soon, okay?”

His next laugh was a little more eased. She pulled him into another tight hug, closing her eyes as he returned it.

“I’ll always come back to you, Willow,” he murmured, “as long as you will have me.”

She smiled, feeling a fresh sting in her eyes from the words. “And I always will, okay?”

“I like the sound of that.”

She held him for a few moments longer before she finally pulled back slowly. “Feel like trying to get some more rest?”

“You’ll stay?”

“Promise.”

Jay nodded and Willow moved so he could lay down on the couch, pulling the blanket free so she could lay down with him, head on his chest, and pull it over the both of them. Both of them could rest easier knowing the other was close, there in case the nightmares tried to rear their ugly heads again.

“Just one question,” Willow murmured after they were settled.

“What’s that?”

Willow traced a rune still exposed on his arm. “How many of those do you have?”

Jay smiled and chuckled lightly. “A lot.” With another brief touch of magic, softly glowing pink runes appeared all across his exposed skin and peeking out from underneath the fabric of his clothes. And, despite the suddenness and strangeness of it all, Willow couldn’t help but trace a few in awe.

Her boyfriend may be from an entirely different world, but it didn’t change who he was, and she happened to love that boy with the starstruck eyes at the beauty of the most simple things a whole lot.


End file.
